This Dear Summer

Whenever something bad happens or there’s a tragic event, many people are quick to say, “I can’t wait for this year to be over.”

Ive heard more than a few people say it time and time again. I get it. Honestly, I do. They want to put the bad stuff behind them and look in a new direction.

Autumn is just about here and in many places people have already been ready for the new season. Maybe the weather has changed, Halloween candy and fall decor is out in stores, and some people are instantly into pumpkin spiced everything.

Perhaps I’m taking the phrase “I can’t wait for this year to be over” way too literally, but I can’t help to sort of feel against it right now as we shift into a new season. I have really grown to love autumn in the last five years or so, and am usually excited about it, but this year is entirely different for my situation.

My only brother passed away just 6 weeks ago, and well, the changing of the seasons just means time is moving. When fall hits, my heart sinks a little more because we say goodbye to summer.

This dear summer I spent with my brother. This summer my son was able to spend it with his Uncle. This summer is when my brother celebrated my son’s first birthday. This summer I celebrated my brother’s birthday with him as he turned 41 years old. And this summer, my brother found out he was going to be a father, with a baby boy due next February.

This dear summer.

It is about to all change. It will officially be fall, and instantaneously everything shifts. Everything around my brother moves further from present; it moves more into past. Although I know it, suddenly I’m forced to realize yet again that it was my final summer with my brother, ever. It was the last summer my son got to spend with his Uncle. This summer was my son’s only birthday that my brother celebrated. This summer I celebrated my brother’s last birthday with him, turning 41 years old. Lastly, this summer is the only summer I could talk to my brother face to face about him becoming a father.

I wanted 30, 40, 50 more years with him. A lot of siblings get almost their entire life with one another, yet I feel that I only got half. My son should have his only Uncle around. My soon-to-be-born nephew should have been able to meet his father. My sister-in-law should have her husband around. Most of all, my parents should have their son. But it slipped away and it makes me so sad that it’s over.

 

While I want time to stop, it is only in time that my heart will get a grip on things.

Fall will bring opportunity for new goals, to form and work on relationships in our lives, and it will bring families together again through the holiday season. In my beliefs, it’s possible I will speak with my brother again one day, so I must embrace the change.

There’s nothing more beautiful than possibility, so I suppose that keeps me hanging on.

Happy Fall.